Week one is 87% complete and we now know just how weird the last year of this decade is going to be. Or at least we think we have an idea. It's gonna be wonky. It's gonna be exhilarating. It's gonna be exhausting. I'm sitting here with coffee and one sloth cat trying to piece together what I just experienced yesterday. We will start at the top of the frothy cocktail the NFL just provided us.
New England Patriots are the nuts. They're the team that everyone suspects might be the best, just beat a top ten team to smithereens, and is getting another wildcard added to their deck with Mr. Frosty Toes.
Kansas City Chiefs went on the road and took care of business.
Dallas Cowboys wiped the floor with a division rival.
Minnesota Vikings won a game by ten or more without throwing for 100 yards. Never been done before.
GB, LA Sheep, Tenn, Baltimore, and SF all went on the road and took care of business. A win is a win, and playing on the road is tough.
Carolina Panthers shot themselves in both feet, couldn't coach themselves out of the locker room, and managed to gift wrap a game for an up and down opponent. To whit: play clock running down on important drive with third and 6 around the 30, driving nicely. Call timeout. Fox is showing the game so timeouts last about 7 minutes. Fans are sweltering in the heat. We wait. Okay, whistle blows and play clock starts. Cam still chatting with coaches. Get your ass in there! Nope, delay of game. Move back five yards. Almost don't get next play off. Run super safe draw play to get back in field goal range. Stuffed. Try field goal anyway. Miss. Fans boo. This was repeated often. Bad playcalling, turnovers, stupid penalties mixed in with great runs by Christian, some top notch throws, two blocked punts... But many, many stupidly overthrown balls to wide open receivers. Just bad.
Tampa Bay. How many pick sixes did they throw? Geez...
NY Giants looked bad on both sides of the ball, with both their quarterbacks.
Arizona Cardinals. Looked totally ugly until they apparently roofied the Lions Gatorade after the third quarter. Somehow snatched a tie from the jaws of certain defeat.
Washington Native Americans. Played one half of the game.
Jacksonville Jaguars. Lost their starting QB.
Miami Dolphins. Downgrading them to a lesser aquatic animal. They can't be an Anchovy, those make Caesar salads delicious. Catfish? Too cool and whiskery. Also good fried. Grouper? Naw, those loveable fish are the cows of the sea. Way too much fun to snorkel with. Also delicious. Bream? Maybe... But no, I have one in mind: Carp. Bottom feeders. Will eat a tin can off the bottom of my lake. Bloated and fat and kinda disgusting. So henceforth it's the Miami Carp.
Cleveland Burnt Sienna. The Nu Browns, with their fancy new players and fancy new uniforms got an upgrade to Burnt Sienna this season (fancy brown paint). They played like taking all the colors on your palette and mixing them together into something akin to mud color and then flicking it on your canvas with your paintbrush.
Detroit Lions. Managed to blow an 18 point lead. This ain't college boys. NFL teams shouldn't blow 18 point leads. Considering renaming this team, too.
Steelers. More like the Aluminum Siding. Everyone saw that game last night, so need to write more about it.
Bears. Trubisky gonna be brutal to watch this year.
Falcons. Played like the dirty, dirty birds that they are. Might rename to Crows.
The Chaotic Evil Paladins
Remember when you used to play Dungeons and Dragons as a kid and you've got this great party set up, and your DM is ready to start your adventure, and then this one kid comes over and insists that it would be cool to play a Chaotic Evil Paladin? This guy sometimes aids the party and heals the sick, and sometimes kills members of his own party to sate his appetite for bloodlust and to "keep it real" and because of some stupid elaborate backstory he has created. Here are the NFL equivalents. Are they good? Are they bad? Or are they just schizo?
Buffalo. Good comeback or did Jets implode?
NY Jets. How do you blow a 16 point lead at home?
Cincinnati. How do you not finish off that vanilla ass team? You had a quality win in your pocket.
Seattle. In true Seattle form, I'm sure they're bragging about beating the Bengals yesterday.
Philadelphia. Wtf man? Did you just want to give half the country a friggin' heart attack about their Survivor picks going down in week one?
Indianapolis. They coulda won this game. Didn't.
Chargers. They coulda lost this game. Didn't.